I’ve been very touched by some of the messages I’ve received regarding my health issues mentioned in the last blog post. So much has happened in such a short amount of time that I really must apologize for not getting to this post sooner. The first thing I want to say is that things are much, much better. The acoustic neuroma that showed up on my MRI disappeared on the second MRI. WHAT ?!??! Sounds crazy, right? I can’t even begin to explain how amazing this news was. I didn’t even realize how depressed I’d been until that weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

I’m not sure how this happened and, right now, I don’t care. I’m just so incredibly grateful that that nightmare is over. My doc says my hearing loss could have been due to a virus that ran it’s course and the acoustic neuroma could have been a mistake on the MRI. I also use alternative methods of healing and, since I’ve had some amazing experiences before, I’m not ruling out the effect this might have had on a small tumor. Or, even a big one for that matter. I’m a believer in what energy medicine can do. I know, not everyone gets it and a good portion of the medical community discounts it but, whatever. A good portion of the medical community also supported the prescription drugs that did me more harm than good so, whatever….we have to go with what works for our bodies. I also had the benefit of another kind of energy medicine: prayer and meditation. At this time I want to thank all of you who sent well wishes, said prayers and appealed to that great force of love on my behalf. To me, it all comes back to that. Love is what changes everything and, no doubt in my mind, love changed this. 

So, thank you so very, very much. <3

I think some people might wonder why I’m a bit of a health nut, why physical exercise and diet seems to be such a big deal to me, why I’m always looking for the new solution to a healthier me…it’s times like these. 

Times like these when my body just quits. It’s had enough. It doesn’t want to move. Every joint and muscle hurts and walking, running, doing things seems like too much of an effort. If it were just that, I wouldn’t be too concerned. I would just rest and wait it out. After all, I had a long week. Folk Alliance veterans will tell you it takes time to recover. But, I’ve been through this before and I know when my system decides to shut down, there’s no reasoning with it. It gets to work on my mind  and starts telling me that it’s not worth the trouble. If I persist, it insists, “What the hell are doing? You’re not going anywhere.” 

And right about then is when I get angry. 

Ask anyone who knows me. I have issues with the word “no”. Tell me I can’t do something and you’ve pushed the wrong button. So, it’s the worst betrayal in the world to hear myself say, “I give up”. But, I do. I give up fighting it. I give up crying over it. I give up. I’m telling my body right here and now, I trust you. I trust you to find your balance, heal and recover because I need you for something more important than a number on a scale or a certain dress size. 

This past year, after years and years of searching for reasons why, I found some answers. An autoimmune disorder. My body fighting itself. Exactly. What I’ve always done in spirit depicted in physical form….viola! There it is.  And I welcomed the diagnosis because this was something I could do something about. Eat the right things (bye-bye gluten), exercise, rest and take my meds. Yay! This I can do! Then, boom, another diagnosis. This time about something I can do absolutely nothing about. An acoustic neuroma. Just have to live with it. Accept “no” and that I can’t do anything because there’s nothing to do. Not now, anyway. And, be grateful that I’m really in the best case scenario as such things are concerned. Still, I wish it were gone.

Either way, it’s still a matter of how I feel. And, right now, I’m a little unsettled. Over the last few months, I’ve witnessed people I admire in the music industry express their distaste for it, their animosity, their hopelessness in continuing the “fight” to make it. It unsettles me because I see these people as successful. They are doing what they want for a living and actually making a living doing it. I mean, they aren’t financially dependent on anything but their music and, if that’s a problem, I think I wouldn’t mind having it. Which makes me think that there are probably plenty of people out there who wish they had my problems instead of their own. I get to make music. It doesn’t feed me. It doesn’t support my family. It just makes me happy and I hope it makes someone else happy too because it’s times like this, when I’m tired and in physical pain, that I could see it as a fight too. And, fighting is something I can’t do anymore. Besides, I have to believe that in some ways, because I get to do this, I’ve already made it. I’ve made it as far as the past me wanted to be and I’ll take it as far as the future me really wants to go.

Cartoon pic of me gives the appearance of alertness. Yay!

Thanks to all the people who “tuned in” online. GoGirls will be broadcasting each showcase from the room from 2-4pm and 10:30pm-2:30am. You can check out the lineup here: http://www.gogirlsmusic.com/fa11/

The direct link to watch it live on UStream is here: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/gogirlsmusic . Showcases are archived so you can watch each artist from last night and even us being ridiculous at 3am. 

Next time I’ll be on will be Saturday night. I’m opening up the showcase at 10:30 with a set and closing it at 2:30am with the final showcase of the conference. You never know who will stop by so, check in with us. 

It’s the new acceptable hate.

It’s nauseating. 

“People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you don’t know who Bob Lefsetz is, just know that he is a gifted writer who takes on the music industry. I don’t always agree with him and he can be incredibly harsh but he’s refreshingly honest and he doesn’t hold back. So, when I got the Lefsetz Letter in my inbox today entitled Christina Aguilera At The Super Bowl (as I’m writing this post it’s not on his website yet) I was prepared for the bashing. I should have known better. Instead, you’ve just got to read it when it’s archived. He said what I was thinking as I was listening to rants from the general public about the musical performances at the Superbowl.

Thanks, Bob, for telling the audience “…if you think you can deliver under pressure, you’re sorely mistaken.” 

Ok, so, the sound sucked. I think those of us on the performance side of the music industry would rather they just scale back the spectacle and get the sound right for both the audience in the stadium and the one watching from home. Either way, it’s a tall order but it’s not impossible. You certainly can’t please everyone with the artist selection but you can make damn sure they sound good. It just depends on where your priorities are and we all know the focus is football so….whatever.  

To me, it all goes back to the character assassination that takes place every time a performer dare perform to a national audience. Do you have any idea the strength of character it takes to stand up there and deliver in front of that audience? Add to that the national pastime of tearing people apart when they’re done. Regardless of what you have going on in your personal, off-stage life, regardless of how many times you’ve performed or how many people you’ve performed in front of, it takes everything you’ve got and it takes absolutely nothing to sit there in a comfy chair and tell the whole world how much they suck, how dare they try and to laugh at the desire to want to shine, share a gift and use this thing that you are entirely made up of, consumed by and passionate about. 

Why is it acceptable to tear somebody down just because they’ve reached some level of success or notoriety? Maybe because you don’t know what it’s like and don’t want to know what it’s like to put yourself in a place like that when you are imperfect, when you don’t have it all together and you are still capable of making mistakes both personally and professionally. 

“Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

   The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

 - Meg Cabot

“Violence is not merely killing another. It is violence when we use a sharp word, when we make a gesture to brush away a person, when we obey because there is fear. So violence isn’t merely organized butchery in the name of God, in the name of society or country. Violence is much more subtle, much deeper, and we are inquiring into the very depths of violence.”

- Jiddu Krishnamurti

As I was on 9/11, I was glued to the TV on 1/9/11 the day after the AZ shooting. It was news of the death of a 9 year old girl that I couldn’t stomach. 9 years old. The same age as my son and she was born on the same day of the year that I was. 9/11. It did not escape me that those who were injured or killed were not known for being difficult people with highly controversial opinions (to most people anyway) but some of those who came to their rescue were. One gun-toting conservative and one unarmed liberal among them. Though that may sound stereotypical, it’s not meant to be. I know gun toting liberals and conservatives that wouldn’t touch a gun with a ten foot pole. That’s just the way it happened and the circumstances seemed laid out perfectly for us to learn a valuable lesson about each other and how differences don’t amount to much when we are talking about the value of each other’s lives. But, it doesn’t seem like we’ve learned anything at all. I told a group of friends last night that, it used to be, a loss like this would shake people into coming together, seeing past their differences and seek to improve relationships. That’s not what happened at all. 

We saw it with Haiti. For the most part, people’s hearts broke open. They poured in and lent a hand. It was disturbing to me that some just sat back and criticized. “Why are we helping them when we didn’t help our own people when Katrina hit?”. I found it funny that the hyper critical were not the people who actually got up and went to affected areas when disaster struck. The people that went weren’t complaining. They were doing. Sure, they may have been outraged by circumstances but they understood that there is more value in taking positive action than there is in making negative statements. 

When the Arizona shooting happened, it was shocking. It was cold and inhumane. Unthinkable until you actually had to think about it. This was not a natural disaster. This was man made by someone who, like it or not, is as human as we are. We can try to say he is not. But, we are only denying that we ourselves are capable of deep hatred and of giving in to it. We don’t know the circumstances of his life. We don’t know the abuses or illnesses he’s suffered that would allow his mind to be so deeply disturbed as to take the lives of these people with seemingly no remorse whatsoever. But, like him, we are capable of giving in to our darker side. And many of us proved it not even minutes following. Fingers, pointing, pointing, pointing. Justifications for hatred and anger on the left and right and everywhere in between. Everyone saying how everyone else should learn a lesson and no one learning it. No one exemplifying it. Where is the calm voice? The voice that finds deep meaning in the lives that these people lost. The voice that says they did not die in vain because we have learned that our differences are not worth dehumanizing each other over. The voice that doesn’t say, everyone else is to blame but that says I am responsible for the words I choose and the way I treat my neighbors, my fellow citizens, my fellow human beings. So, instead of excusing my harsh words and justifying my anger, I’m going to just stop it here and now. I’m going to take positive action instead of making negative statements. 

My dear friend, Margaret, gave me a book last night on dog training. She knows I’ve had some difficulty controlling my rambunctious labrador around other people. As a result she (Daphne) and I tend to get hyper when people come over to the house. Who better to help train us than Cesar Millan? I started reading it last night and was expecting some great tips on calming my dog. What I wasn’t expecting was such incredible insight into the “issues” of our society. I want to share with you a paragraph from the book “Be the Pack Leader”:

“Humans will follow intellectual leaders. They will follow spiritual leaders, and they will follow emotional leaders. Humans are the only species on earth that will follow a totally unbalanced leader. Animals, however – though I believe they possess an emotional and spiritual side – will only follow instinctual leaders. I believe it is our loss of connection with our instinctual side that prevents us from being effective pack leaders for our dogs. Perhaps it is why we also seem to be failing at being positive guardians of our planet.”

BAM! I love Cesar Millan. 

Now, before anyone assumes that I am trying to make a point about President Obama, please…no. Don’t go there. I’m talking about whoever we follow, whoever is our own personal pack leader. Because we often choose. As Cesar says, nature wants balance. I believe this. Every act of violence in nature and in our minds and hearts is in reaction to things being out of balance and is driven by the deep need to return to balance. This is why I’ve said, “My friends, if I were at peace with myself I would not be at war with you.” I am deeply aware that it begins with me. It’s my choice. When I am balanced the whole world is with me. When I am not, the whole world is against me. I know this but I don’t always take control of my own heart and mind. I seek leadership and leadership is readily there to fill the gap. It may be spiritual, it may be emotional, it may be intellectual and, yes, it may be unbalanced. It may be a voice that encourages my anger and hatred even though it comes from a well-meaning friend. It may be a voice that speaks peace like a child perfectly calm and content amidst chaos. Like my child questioning, “Why are you angry? I just want to play.”

As a human being capable of reason I’ll often talk myself into and justify following an unbalanced leader. Why? Because of fear. Because my instinct is for self preservation are I’m looking to protect myself from the source of fear. The problem is, everyone else is doing the same thing. Some capitalize off of it earning money, ratings, attention…banking on fear. We buy into it, thereby, positively enforcing their fear. We lead each other. Our fears feed off of one another’s and we are the unbalanced leading the unbalanced until we’ve all become what we fear the most. 

No matter who reads this, it will naturally apply to “them”. The other side. But that’s why the other side is so important. They are truly a mirror. They mirror our own fears and our own basic need to survive. When I am balanced the whole world is with me. When I am not, the whole world is against me. This is why what happened in Arizona is only the fault of the man that did this but, absolutely the responsibility of every single one of us. I know, when bad things happen we all feel called to do something.  We are intellectual beings but, in the heat of the moment, we act on instinct the way the crowd responded when the shots were fired. Fight, flight, avoid, submit…depending on our own personal make-up. But, removed by time and distance we choose. And, we, as observers don’t need to fight, fly avoid or submit. Why choose fight now? Why choose negative and personal attacks now? We are not there. We are not in the time and space that this happened. Therefore, the only sane and reasonable course of action is to accept because we can’t change it and move towards balance. Take positive action instead of making negative statements, lead with calm assurance instead of being lead by anger and achieve balance by allowing balance to return. I’m sorry, I know that last part requires faith and I’m not talking religion. It requires faith in our deep connection to each other; to acknowledge it, to respect it. 

You can’t change other people. It’s not even your job to do so. Let it go. The only thing you can change is your experience with them. And the only way to do that positively is by being at peace and being assured in who you are. I married my husband because he was a calming influence on me. I was scattered and my mind seemed to even out when he was around. Over time, the balance shifted as does in any relationship. There was volatility, anger and resentment. All were in reaction to a loss of balance. Eventually, we found it again by having faith in our connection, knowing that we each play an important role for each other even though it may be a challenge at times. This holds true for everyone in every relationship. From husbands, wives and children to governments and constituents to countries and other cultures. We play an important role for each other. That’s why it hurts when we dismiss it. 

In recognizing the humanity of our fellow beings, we pay ourselves the highest tribute. – Thurgood Marshall

The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity – Leo Tolstoy 

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops in the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.

 - Mahatma Ghandi

 -LM

Sometimes things happen and sometimes things happen all at once. The beginning of 2011 has been eventful and I haven’t really been sharing a lot of it because most of it is intensely personal and I needed a chance to get my head and heart in the right place before talking/writing about it. In truth, I’ve been waiting for things to subside but it seems like some things plan on being around a while so, I’m going to have to just get on with gettin’ on. In answer to some of your questions:

I traveled to the midwest to spend time with family for the holidays. My husband is from Nebraska and that is where we spent Christmas and did not return until New Year’s Eve. I usually get back to performing mid-January so, lack of shows does not mean I’m not performing. In fact, I have a show this week

Laura Marie @ Candlelight Coffeehouse

8pm, 3011 N. St. Mary’s Street - SA, Tx.

More shows will be in announced in February including a trip to Memphis for the Folk Alliance conference with the GoGirls and shows with my friend and fellow songwriter, Vanessa Lively, along the way. 

Tah-dah!!! The only change in my regular performance schedule is that I’ll only be performing at Candlelight once a month as opposed to twice and it will be on the second Wed. of the month. This means I’ll be booking more weekend shows and likely spending more time performing outside of San Antonio. This also accommodates a new teaching schedule as I’ve accepted a position teaching voice and guitar for performance at Bulverde Academy of Music. Wow. That’s a big one for me but I love that my students are interested in doing the same thing I do. It’s actually thrilling to mentor someone in this way. 

Also, you may have noticed that I’ve announced a songwriting clinic with Chris Taylor at the Musicology LLC. I’m very excited about this and we may be doing more of them so be on the lookout. I love working with Chris and I love working with my friend Julian Escobedo who is both owner and bass instructor. We’ve known each other since kinder and he’s accomplished a lot since then. Check out his bio.

Teaching is not something I planned on doing again but these were both opportunities that not only worked with my performance schedule, they offered me an experience to grow in areas that I’ve been wanting to develop. Yay, me! 

*************

On a personal note. Pete and I lost members on each side of our family over the last month. We each lost an uncle and our concerns have been for our family members.This has been another reason I’ve been kind of out of touch and I think it’s self explanatory. I wrote a song for one of the memorial services and will be posting it to my mailing list this week. If you are not signed up, you can do so by hitting the link below and will also receive a free download of Love You Like Me.

Some friends and followers already know that I was ill for a while and that the symptoms have been attributed to an “autoimmune disorder”. My diet has changed quite drastically. Again. I have now been gluten free for about 3 months and have seen a huge decrease in symptoms which is great. I am no longer vegetarian but, being a vegetarian DID NOT make me ill.  I was on a path to discover how I could help my body through diet. It turns out that meat wasn’t a huge factor and, now that I know protein deficiency did not play a role, I’m giving my body time to adjust and heal before making any further changes. 

Lastly, this is a call for your love and support. For the last month I’ve had a significant loss of hearing in my right ear accompanied by a loud ringing. This is not due to loud music and it’s also been confirmed that it is not due to fluid in my ear. It’s a nerve thing. The cause is unknown at this point and, really, the only thing I care about is that it gets resolved and that my hearing returns. 

The doc says, “30% completely recover, 30% partially recover and 30% don’t recover at all. ” Thems the odds. So, I ask for your good energy, prayers, vibes, meditations. Whatever ya got! Send them my way. The next month or so, according to at least one doc, will be telling and I’m shooting for “full recovery”.

click here

Much love, Laura Marie

P.S.

Stay tuned for commentaries on violence, body image and such and so forth…

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I wouldn’t let my child drink it. “That’s how you get sick.”, I’d say. But, we have clean water. Millions don’t. 

Did you know the world’s water crisis could be solved with a mere 10 billion dollars? Solved. Sound like a lot? Put it into perspective. This year, we Americans are expected to spend 130 billion on Christmas. Think. That’s just the people who celebrate Christmas. Wow. 

I think we can do this. Two ways.

One:

Join Chris Taylor, Laura Marie & Friends for dinner!
A portion of your bill will HELP provide clean H2O to
communities in need. 

RSVP HERE
That’s right, you don’t have to make a separate donation.
You just have to BE THERE. 
Free entertainment provided by Chris Taylor and Laura Marie.
Special guests TBA. 

http://www.youtube.com/v/Gt0pJLNunH4&hl=en&fs=1

Song written and performed by Chris Taylor. Backing vocals: me

Two:

Can’t make it but want to donate? Click Here. Buy the EP

Why?

For the last two years, Chris Taylor and I have participated in our church‘s effort to raise money for Advent Conspiracy.org. Advent Conspiracy is a movement that calls on people who celebrate Christmas (churches) to “Spend Less, Give More, Love All” (That’s EVERYBODY. Not just other church people) and in doing so “Worship Fully”, “Love Well” and “Give Wells” through our friends at Living Water International. 

I’m not a preacher or a pastor. I’m a musician and I have more questions than answers about most everything. But, I know this. Our contributions over the last two years helped to provide clean drinking water to three communities in impoverished nations. Lives were saved. This is a fact. It moves me to tears every time I think about the parents who no longer have to worry that their children will die from drinking the only water available to drink. For me, this is joy at Christmas time. This is Christmas. 3,900 children each day are dying. Each day. The $10 I spend on just about anything could give one of them clean water for life.

http://player.vimeo.com/video/16761043?portrait=0

Download now or watch on posterous

IMG_0755.MOV (3419 KB)

All my best, Laura Marie
(sent via mobile)